why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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