so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
