Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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