Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
