Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
