Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
