i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
