You don't have asthma, your pregnant
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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