3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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