I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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