She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
