I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
