Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
