Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
