no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
