And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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