6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
we made out on top of his cat.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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