I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
