I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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