I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
