My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
