I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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