True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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