The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My bed smells like the plague
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
