I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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