my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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