i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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