he puts the penis in happiness.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
