its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
