I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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