Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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