Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
