Yo dont text me then not text me
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
