I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
