Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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