I looked at my own cervix.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
