he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
