my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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