k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
