It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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