I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
