Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
