I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sorry about my life...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
