she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
