i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
