I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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