her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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