Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
