I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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