i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
barbara walters just said penis...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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