i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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