the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she pinky promised me she was 18
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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