READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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