Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
