Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
