As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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